Stage Four: The Shift
I remain, even as I give.
It’s one thing to know you are a certain way, to recognize that you have particular abilities, but it’s another to realize just how much of you they actually are. How deeply they run. How they’re not just something you have, but something you are. And when you begin to understand that, when you stop trying to separate yourself from it and instead integrate it, you reclaim more of yourself than you ever knew was missing.
I don’t think I really gave it any thought until it slapped me in the face.
I used to pour endlessly, sacrificing inadvertently, putting myself last.
That’s what we’re taught, isn’t it? That to be selfless is to erase the self. That love, in its purest form, demands depletion.
But I have come to understand that the most powerful form of giving begins with honoring oneself first.
So much of our lives are lived through the subconscious. We unconsciously internalize definitions that do not belong to us. Words like too much and not enough stitch themselves into our skin before we even have a say. Absorbed. Worn. Incomplete.
They shape our worlds.
But now, I choose to choose differently. I decided that I wanted to understand what my subconscious was comprised of. What was driving it?
We cannot erase or disable the subconscious, but we can understand how it operates and what fuels it. And when we do, we step into choice. Into clarity. Into a life that is no longer dictated by invisible threads, but woven intentionally, with awareness. For the most part.
So now, I personalize meaning rather than absorbing its initial weight. Also, for the most part. I hold words and experiences. The stories that initially develop without my consent, up to the light, turning them over in my hands, asking:
Does this align? Does this serve me? Does this reflect who I am becoming?
Not who I was when I didn’t have the wherewithal to choose.
Because I have found myself redefining words all the time, taking what was meant to bind and reshaping it into something I could claim. You should try it sometime, it might just become one of your favorite pastimes, as it is mine. Personalizing definitions is empowering and fun. And really, why shouldn’t we create our own words, our own definitions, our own language, one that holds us to our highest standard and elevates us?
Selfish is one of them.
What I have learned is that selfishness, true intentional selfishness, is not about taking from others or not caring about others. It is about reclaiming yourself. It is the refusal to pour from an empty vessel, the willingness to stand firm in what you need, and the quiet revolution of no longer waiting for permission to be whole. Selfishness is by nature a boundary destined to support our well-being. Its essence is of self. The nurture of self. Nourishment.
Because there is a difference between selfishness and narcissism, just as there is a difference between honoring yourself and abandoning others.
One is a reclamation. The other is a void.
And when we accept that, when we stop trying to manage or contain it and instead learn how to expand with it, we open ourselves up to the bigger picture.
Our impact extends beyond ourselves.
And we begin to understand that true giving is not an erasure of the self, but an expression of it.
That generosity is not depletion, but overflow.
That healing, when done with intention, does not take, it multiplies.
And from that vantage point, we can see clearly:
Giving is not about losing oneself. It is about finding ourselves, and offering from that place of fullness.
Because self-honoring and giving are not at odds. They are deeply interconnected.
I wasn’t consciously choosing depletion. it was all I knew. My survival instinct chose it for me. That’s how I developed during those formative years. Without conscious choice.
I suppose that’s how all of us develop, but some have more emotionally mature role models than others.
But the moment I realized that, it became my responsibility to change it.
The Practice
These weren’t just habits; they were anchors. Practices that allowed me to reinforce this way of being, not just as a thought, but as a lived experience.
Daily journaling.
Writing was oozing out of me. It was how I processed, how I released, how I made sense of things. I’ve since learned that when I’m not writing, when I’m not emoting through words, things can start to feel murky and stuck. So, writing is a must.Being kind to myself.
Affirmations. Acknowledging my accomplishments. Speaking to myself with the same gentleness I so easily extended to others. Self-kindness wasn’t just a nicety. It was a necessity.Redefining my stories and words.
Perspective is everything. The way I framed my experiences determined whether they held me captive or set me free. Shifting my perspective, rewriting the stories that kept me in a disempowered place. Giving myself choice in the matter—was and still is, everything.Protecting and channeling my energy.
Having a ritual and clear intention around this changed everything. This practice is like magic. It works!Cutting cords.
Being highly intentional about who I allow into my space, my energy, my bubble. Saying goodbye to those energy vampires.Expanding my vision and goals.
Getting outside of myself, out of my own head and feelings, by helping others and broadening my scope within my daily life.Music and dancing.
Healing in ways that words can’t always reach.Nature.
Grounding, witnessing the stillness and the movement. Ocean and sand, trees and blooms, sunrises and sunsets.Reading.
A guide, a mirror, a teacher. Key to integration, to reflection, to the kind of accountability that fuels true growth.Therapy.
An excavation, a rebuilding. A choice to see beyond myself. Finding someone outside your sphere to talk to can be life-changing. The right fit changes everything. It’s priceless.
The Integration
This was the time in my life where I put in a certain work that ensured I had the tools to live a more empowered, full, and healthy life. It’s a foundation that I instilled and, in a way, installed—one that I can tap into and call upon throughout my life.
I have no illusion that I am perfect, or that I won’t sometimes make choices from a place of void or trauma or lack. Awareness doesn’t omit anyone from the downs, nor does it live outside of the truth.
But it does offer a different way through them. It allows me to recognize when I am moving from an old pattern, when I am reacting rather than responding.
And because of that, I can shift quickly. I can access the bigger picture almost instantaneously. And the cool thing is the more one exercises these muscles, the more innate and natural it becomes. And it is really titillating when you notice that happening.
Quicker. Better. More of the ME that I am interested in being. And honestly, it's the best high.
I’m not interested in interrupting flow. Being in unison with the universe is one of the most graceful feelings ever.
In fact, as I write these words, I glance at the time—it’s 2:22.
And of course it is.
222: A number of alignment, balance, collaboration, and trust. A reminder that relationships: personal, professional, and spiritual are being nurtured. That creativity is flowing. That everything is unfolding as it should.
I take it as a nod. A quiet confirmation that this moment, these words, this unfolding is exactly where I’m meant to be.
And so, I do not pour endlessly anymore.
I offer with intention.
I give without depletion.
And in that, I am free. Not without struggle, but free.
I am still unfolding, but with more grace.
Every day, I meet myself anew.
This is just the beginning.
To be continued…